


Did You Mean It?

by opalheart12



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Drama, F/M, Feelings Realization, Post-Prison, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:48:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21811099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opalheart12/pseuds/opalheart12
Summary: When Spencer turned around he dropped the mixing bowl in his hands and it shattered. “Jesus, Emily! What the hell?!” She was standing entirely naked just a few feet from him. The fire was still roaring and the room was still quite toasty, otherwise, she would have quite literally frozen her ass off. “Did you mean it?” Her voice was hard and she knew that regardless of what happened next, she would get an answer from him one way or the other.
Relationships: Emily Prentiss/Spencer Reid
Comments: 2
Kudos: 87





	1. Before

“I’m worried about you, Spence.”

“I don’t need you to be.”

It came out with much more bite than he intended. In his defense, though, he was fresh out of prison and he hardly recognized himself now. It didn’t take a genius to see that Spencer Reid was an entirely different person after his time in a maximum-security prison than before it. 

He had no real idea of how the world really worked before. He knew bits and pieces from his time working for the BAU, but that time had been so sheltered for him. Now, he had been exposed to all the dirtiest and most awful parts of the world he’d been protected from all his life. And he was different for it. 

The team was not going to let him come back until he was fully fit to do so. The team, of course, was more Emily and JJ than anyone else. He had failed his psych evals twice now and had been encouraged not to try again for another month. If he was being honest, it pissed him off. He _needed_ to be back already. There was only so much PTSD he could take, and the distraction of his work was badly needed.

“Just because you don’t care about yourself right now doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t.” Prentiss snapped back at him from behind her desk.

He blinked at her tone and realized that he hadn’t ever heard her use it on him. “What makes you think I don’t care about myself?”

Now Prentiss just looked tired. She sighed deeply and put her head in her hands. “Look, Reid, anyone else in your position would be on a plane right now to some tropical island no one else has ever heard of and staying there for two months straight trying to scrub shit from their brains. For some reason, you seem to think _adding_ more shit to your brain is gonna help you and I’m telling you it won’t.”

Reid grimaced as he turned over her words. She was right and he knew it. But he didn’t have to like the fact that she was right. “Look, Emily, when _you_ start waking up from nightmares about being locked up for something you didn’t do, then maybe you’ll get it. You guys were trying to get me out. You believed in me and I’m thankful for that. But none of you knew...none of you will _ever_ know what it was like to lose everything about who you were and fighting to survive in an environment as hideous and disgusting as the work we do here.”

He could sense bits and pieces of Emily’s patience chipping away with every word he said. He _knew_ he’d done some damage when she scoffed and stood from her desk to stand in front of him. Her face was mere inches from his own and he felt his heart speeding up as he took in the frustrated anger in her eyes.

“You can pull that shit with the rest of the team, Reid, but not with me. Or have you forgotten when I had to be in a fake relationship for an INTERPOL mission that resulted in my kidnapping and almost-death? Save that self-pitying bullshit for the ones that can’t see it for what it is.” Her tone was positively venomous and he knew that he’d upset her more than he thought. “Get the fuck out of my office and do not come back until you look sun fried.” 

There was nothing else for him to say. Emily was not going to allow him back to work as long as she believed he was mentally unprepared to do. She was trying to protect him. His rational side knew that. But the part of him that was so used to using work as an escape felt offended that she didn’t trust him. What the hell did she think he was going to do? 

He supposed a vacation was in order. But if he was going to be involuntarily exiled for the next while he would go out guns blazing so to speak. “Only on one condition.”

Emily rolled her eyes and scoffed as she looked up from a report again. “Seriously? You’re still here?”

“One condition, Emily.”

“Fine,” She tossed her pen down onto the desk in front of her. “Let’s hear it then.”

He planted his feet on the ground as if they were made of steel. He was fully prepared for her to shoot him just for the sake of getting him out of her office, especially considering what he was about to ask of her. “Come with me.”

“Are you shitting me right now?”

He shook his head and stared at her, allowing his eyes to get all big and innocent in a way he knew she couldn’t resist. “Nope.”

She glared at him a few moments later and when she muttered, “Jesus, fuck, Reid.” to herself he knew he convinced her. When the smile on his face got freakishly large she threw three paper balls at him in rapid succession and told him to _get the fuck out of her office_.

* * *

Emily couldn’t leave the country. She knew that much. To be honest, she couldn’t leave the state. But she had the vacation time saved up so she figured she might as well use it. The problem, though, was that the team was already down one agent with Reid on leave. With Emily going away for a few days it would stretch the team to their limits and she knew it. But Reid needed her. And if Reid needed her then she didn’t care who was upset about it.

Rossi would take her place while she and Spencer were gone for the week. She had persuaded Spencer to consider the Catskills for his vacation instead of St. Croix. If something happened and she needed to get back to the BAU it was only a six-hour drive back.

Now, here they were on a road trip up to a bed and breakfast nestled in the Catskills in late autumn. There was already snow and the wind didn’t give a fuck how hard it was _supposed_ to be blowing this time of year. She supposed it was peaceful but she would feel a lot better once they were off of a rapidly icing road.

“I’d much rather this than an island, you know,” Spencer said when they were halfway through the trip. 

“Yeah, I know, weirdo.”

She had not yet asked him why he wanted her to come on this trip with him so badly. To be honest, she was afraid of the answer she might get. Something had been brewing between them for a while now, culminating in a massive argument they’d had when he was still in prison during one of her visits to him. He had angrily confessed to being in love with her and being ashamed that he had to tell her in a place he wouldn’t even be able to kiss her afterward. 

They had not spoken of that moment since his release, but she wondered if this trip was where they might revisit it. She wondered if she was even ready for that. But he understood her in a way that no one else did and she understood him the same way. They existed a world apart from everyone else. 

“Did you mean it?” She found herself asking.

Spencer knew what she meant. She saw him tense slightly and he grew very interested in the trees they were driving past. “What’s the place like where we’re staying?”

A change of subject. 

Emily tried to ignore the way her gut flared in pain and the feeling she had of being punched in the stomach. A rejection. He hadn’t meant it. She realized it was foolish to think he did. At the time he’d confessed to loving her he had been extremely emotionally compromised. She should have known better.

She didn’t respond to his question. Instead, she turned on the radio and allowed the volume to rise to a level slightly above bearable. If she answered, she might start screaming at him and that would hardly be productive. 

When they got to the Mount Catskill Bed and Breakfast, Emily had reached her limit of being around Spencer and she was ready to seclude herself in a bedroom and crash into a bed that was too big and cold for her. 

“I’m sorry,” the older woman at the desk said regrettably when they checked in. “There’s a wedding nearby this week and we’re booked except for the one-room back cabin by the lake.” 

“But, I had a reservation for two separate rooms. A queen in each one. I don’t understand what--”

“It appears we were double booked, ma’am. I am deeply sorry for the inconvenience. The back cabin is all that’s left. Of course, there is another bed and breakfast but it’s nearly fifty miles north of here.”

Spencer walked up to the counter with a kind smile on his face. “We’ll take it.”

“What? No! We’ll just--”

“We’ll take it, ma’am,” Spencer repeated sternly. “Besides, it’s snowing and it’ll only get worse. We’ve already been on the road for six hours. I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.”

Emily felt her knuckles whiten as she gripped her wallet too tightly in her hands. He had a point. Exhaustion was already settling over her like a twenty-pound weighted blanket. She cleared her throat and tried to will the annoyance away from her face. “How many beds?”

A sheepish expression appeared on the older woman’s face. “Just the one. It is a king-size though! More than enough room for two people, mind.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “Great.”

She briefly considered flashing her badge in hopes that maybe she could get her way. But she was too tired. All she knew with certainty was that she wasn’t sharing a bed with Spencer Reid. She’d sleep in the fucking bathtub before that would ever happen.

* * *

The cabin was beautiful. Emily had been expecting a rundown shack but this was the opposite. It had a covered porch with space heaters and huge windows all around that provided the most amazing views no matter where in the cabin you were. 

Inside, the cabin was painted a warm cream color with forest green and tan decor. The king bed the woman at the desk mentioned was the most comfortable looking thing Emily had ever laid eyes on. There was a large leather sofa in front of the bed and a decent sized TV in front of that. A roaring fire was already going in the fireplace. There was a kitchenette not far away that was tastefully decorated, though Emily doubted she would be using it for anything other than heating up food she ordered. 

She could see a bathroom off to the side that had a shower big enough for four people and a standalone garden tub. Though she wouldn’t say it anytime soon, she was glad Spencer had insisted on taking the cabin instead of driving another fifty miles up the road.

“I’ll take the sofa,” Spencer said. “I’m assuming there are extra blankets in the closet.”

Emily merely grunted in response as she dropped her bags down next to the bed. Her mind was focused only on the bed. Spencer pulled the blackout curtains shut and dimmed the lights. He didn’t seem to be nearly as tired as she was but she appreciated it all the same.

When she sunk into the bed she moaned at how comfortable it was and because she was so wrapped up in that fact, she completely missed the way Spencer’s face paled when he heard the sound. Sleep came easily to her for the first time in weeks. But it didn’t last.

This time, her nightmare was that she had gotten a call from the prison Spencer had been in and they were telling her he had been hurt. In the nightmare, she blinked and she was kneeling on the floor in a prison cell she’d never been to before. Spencer was bleeding profusely from his neck and yet somehow was screaming that he loved her and was so angry that he wouldn’t get to kiss her since he was dying now.

“No, you can! You still can! Don’t leave!” Emily begged. “I’m right here!” She leaned down to kiss him and when she pulled away she was now choking on her own blood.

“Emily! Emily, wake up!” 

She shot up out of her sleep and away from the horror behind her eyes. She might have flown out of the bed if a pair of warm arms hadn’t wrapped around her to keep her from hitting the floor.

“Emily, it’s me! You’re awake now, it’s okay!”

Her eyes moved frantically around the room as she attempted to pull herself out of her nightmare. The thick smell of copper was still filling her nose and her mouth felt thick as if she were still choking on blood. A broken sob escaped her body and she started to shake.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She muttered to herself as she tried to pull her knees up to her chest. “FUCK!”

She ended up rolling over onto her side and the arms pulled her close to the body that owned them. She was crying now. It was her worst nightmare yet, all of her greatest fears in one sick vision her mind had betrayed her by showing her. 

“Shhh. It’s okay, Emily, I’m right here. I’ve got you. You’re safe here, I promise.” Spencer’s voice whispered calmly to her. She felt a soft kiss on the back of her neck and for some reason that made her cry even more. Because he _didn’t_ really love her. And that was the cruelty of it all. She loved him so much her mind was forcing her heart to confront that fact. She couldn’t ignore it or write it off now as he could. 

“Please, stop.” Her teary pleas came out like a whimper and she felt dark spots beginning to tug at her vision. She didn’t _want_ to go back to sleep. It would only mean more nightmares. And there was no way in hell she wanted that. “You don’t mean it. Stop.”

It was the last thing Spencer heard Emily say before she finished crying herself back to sleep. It made him feel as if he’d been punched in the stomach. He hated himself immediately.

* * *

When she woke up later, it was very dark outside and the moon shone brightly in the clear night sky. She could see so many more stars here than she ever could have in the city. 

Spencer was nowhere to be found. She assumed he must have gone in search of food somewhere. That meant she had the cabin to herself for the moment. Thankfully, she hadn’t had more nightmares the second time she went to sleep. But her face still felt heavy and stiff from crying. 

She decided a long hot soak and that bathtub might help her feel better. There were candles all around the cabin so she lit those and began running the water. She was able to link her phone to the Bluetooth speaker in the bathroom and set up a lo-fi beats playlist she’d been waiting for the right moment to use. 

The water was nearly scalding and she groaned as she sank into it gratefully. Her muscles, which always seemed to be permanently sore, were already loosening. She closed her eyes and focused only on the music. There was no urgent case to solve, no killer to catch, no team member in crisis. Was this what it felt like to not feel so stressed? She would treasure the feeling because she knew stress was attracted to her like a fly to a pile of shit.

When the soaking had done its job, she drained the tub and moved to the shower. It was far too big for one person and she swatted away the thought that Spencer should be in there with her to enjoy it. The water came out of four side showerheads. The overhead one was optional but she turned it on anyway and set about washing the road trip and her nightmares from her body.

She was stepping out of the shower when she heard Spencer’s voice say, “Emily?”

The bathroom door was wide open. She slipped as she stepped out of the shower, all in her haste to race over to the towel rack. But Spencer heard the commotion and rushed to the bathroom immediately. She would be lying if she said she wasn't just a little proud that he was holding his revolver firmly in his hand.

“Ow, _fuck_!” Emily cursed as she attempted to move onto her back. 

Spencer’s eyes widened immediately and he spun around to face away from her immediately. “Are you alright?” His voice shook slightly as he asked his question.

Emily groaned as she stared up at the ceiling. “Well, there’s no point in protecting my _virtue_ , Dr. Reid. Help me up off this goddamn floor.”

It was beyond comical the way he walked over to her and tried his damnedest not to look at her body. She had to give him credit for being a decent human being. He pulled her up and her wet feet slid on the tile as she tried to gain her footing and she fell further into him. His arms instinctively wrapped around her and she cursed again.

“This is becoming a bit of a habit, it seems.” 

“Oh, shut up and hand me a fucking towel, asshole.”

He laughed to himself and did as she asked, leaving the bathroom so she could dry off in peace. 

He was in the kitchenette preparing to cook something when she came out. His back was to the bed and therefore to her. “Let me know when you’ve finished getting dressed,” he said absently. “We’re having breakfast for dinner.”

Later, Emily would wonder what the hell came over her to make her do what she did next. But when she would look back at that moment she would find it difficult to feel any regret for what she’d done. 

She was quiet for just a few minutes as she pretended to rifle through her bag. If Spencer was going to avoid what had happened between them when she came to visit him in prison, she had an idea of how she might finally get him to talk. 

“I’m done.”

When Spencer turned around he dropped the mixing bowl in his hands and it shattered. “Jesus, Emily! What the hell?!”

She was standing entirely naked just a few feet from him. The fire was still roaring and the room was still quite toasty, otherwise, she would have quite literally frozen her ass off. 

  
“Did you mean it?” Her voice was hard and she knew that regardless of what happened next, she _would_ get an answer from him one way or the other.


	2. Chapter 2

She took a bit of pleasure in the way he sputtered, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. She smirked at him and turned around to rifle through the bag again. She’d gotten his attention. She could give up on the amateur theatrics now. 

“Did you mean it?” Emily asked again, fully preparing herself for every eventuality that included him saying no. Now she felt like an idiot. 

“I-I-Emily..” There he was again, sounding a lot like a car that was having trouble getting started. 

She rolled her eyes to herself as she pulled out a big t-shirt she’d gotten at a work conference years before. “It’s okay to say ‘no’, you know. You won’t burst into flames.” 

Spencer seemed to be spurred into action by that and he moved across the room until he was standing on the other side of the bed facing her. “No. It’s not—I mean—could you put that shirt on? I can’t concentrate with—well—I…”

“The Great Spencer Reid speechless! Who would’ve thought?” Emily asked as she pulled the shirt on. She plopped down on top of the bed and put her arms over her eyes. At least she wouldn’t have to look at him when he rejected her. “Before you break my heart, can you tell me which flavor of Ben & Jerry's is most likely to ease that pain?”

His reply was no longer flustered but merely confused. “Why would I ever break your heart?” His voice sounded small and reminded her uncomfortably of who he had been when she first met him all those years ago.

Emily shrugged. “You told me while you were still in prison that you were in love with me and have since dodged the topic anytime I try to bring it up. So you’ve got a head start at least.”

“No,” Spencer replied, his voice rising slightly. “No, that’s not—it’s just—yes, I _am_ in love with you, Emily. Even though this job has just gotten ten times harder than it should, I meant what I said in prison. I love you. You’re the first thing I think of in the mornings and the last before I go to sleep.”

She felt frozen to the spot. Her eyes searched for any sign that he was lying. “Why did you keep avoiding me when I wanted to talk about it?”

He shrugged and rubbed a hand over his face in frustration. “God, Emily, you’re my _boss_!”

“I’m your best friend!”

“Yes! You are! But…” Spencer came around to her side now and was a little closer than she expected him to be. “But you’re also my boss. And if you loved me back it would just ruin everything and I’d have to quit and work somewhere else which I don’t wanna do because I love the BAU and—“

“Fine.” Emily interrupted with a glare. “Then we don’t do anything about it. Great plan.” 

Spencer could feel her slipping away from him. He could see the walls going up around her as if he were helping to build them himself. Emily was willing to go on as if nothing had ever happened if that's what he wanted. But he didn’t want that.

“I’m not leaving the BAU.” Spencer said eventually. 

Emily fixed him with a blank stare. “Neither am I.” 

The room grew uncomfortably silent and though Emily was giving the outward appearance of nonchalance, Spencer’s proximity to her was making her a bit dizzy. How many dreams had she had just like this one? Dreams where he was close to her that her skin tingled like it would catch fire any moment?

Then, before she could wonder how she might compartmentalize her feelings for Spencer, his lips were on hers. He kissed her softly as if he worried she might break. It made her feel like only the two of them existed in the world. She pulled him against her, kissing him as deep as she could, feeling like _finally_ everything was as it should be.

Then her phone rang.

* * *

Spencer never hated an unsub more than he hated Marcus Klemp of Omaha, Nebraska. Under any other circumstances, he might have found the case fascinating: people of indiscriminate ages and genders were being posed in cornfields around Omaha as scarecrows. But as he read quietly through the file Garcia had assembled for him and Emily, he couldn’t help being irritated. He had been in the middle of kissing Emily, after finally figuring out that she had the same feelings for him as he had for her, and it had all been ruined by a frantic call from Garcia apologizing over and over for calling when they were off. They hadn’t even gotten to stay at the cabin a full night. 

“I’m not cleared to come back yet.” Spencer reminded Emily as they loaded their things back into the car. It was the middle of the night and they had six hours to go before they were back in DC. 

“I know.” Emily replied tersely.

“So, I can’t come with you on the case.”

“I _know_.” Emily’s response was curter this time and her eyes flashed up at him as if he were an annoying fly. 

“I’ll stay back with Garcia then,” he said. “We’ll say I’m consulting or something.”

She was silent as they got into the car and began their drive back. Spencer almost thought she was ignoring him but he didn’t dare to try talking to her until they got back. The ride was long and felt like it took three lifetimes to make it back into the city. He could sense that she was battling with something inside and had to stop himself from asking about what it was. At some point, she fell asleep in the passenger seat and it took all of his willpower not to stare and cause their car to go offroad.

The sun tentatively greeted the world by the time they arrived back at the BAU. Spencer turned off the car and looked over at Emily, reluctant to wake her. She didn’t appear to be having any nightmares like she had back at the cabin. He couldn’t bear waking her but he knew he had to. He placed a hand on her shoulder and she woke up immediately.

“We’re here,” he said. “Nebraska awaits.” Spencer tried to smile but it felt as if there were cement in his mouth and a glance in the rearview mirror told him he was grimacing. 

“Yeah.” Emily replied, sleep still clinging to her voice. She sounded far away, though, and Spencer didn’t really think that sleep had anything to do with it. She looked down at her hands and then at Spencer, searching for something in his face. Whatever it was, she didn’t find it and made to leave the car.

Spencer reached out for her hand and pulled her back toward him gently. “Hey,” he said hoarsely. He pulled her closer until their faces were mere inches away. She looked for all the world like a deer in headlights. 

Before he could process it, her lips were on his, kissing him deeply and with what felt suspiciously like finality. She pulled away, an unreadable look in her eyes. Spencer found his hand guiding her face back toward his. 

“This can’t work, Reid.” Emily admitted as if she were trying to convince herself of it. “There’s no way.”

Spencer sighed, feeling as if he were standing on the edge of the world’s tallest cliff. He felt resolution and conviction within him when he placed his hand in Emily’s, knowing that what he did next would change the two of them, change _everything_ forever. 

“Well, I suppose then we’d better find a way,” he said. “Because when I told you I was in love with you I meant it.”


End file.
